The one that started it all

"Ang pag-ibig ay parang imburnal. Nakakatakot mahulog pero kapag nahulog ka na, it's either an ACCIDENT o TANGA ka lang talaga."  (ctto)

I tried to ask myself a hundred times. Am I really in a state of love? What is the definition of love for me? Am I ready for this? Is the right time? The right guy? Is this for real or just a product of me being hopeless romantic? Or am I just infatuated by this random guy? I don't know.

"Infatuation is falling in love with or becoming extremely interested in someone or something for a short time. If you have an infatuation with a particular singer, you probably listen to her on repeat all day long, at least this week." (c) http://www.vocabulary.com/

I met this guy 2 years ago. I never thought that I would feel something for him at the first place. Hindi naman kasi siya recognizable eh. Hindi siya takaw atensyon. For me, he is just another guy from our section. Until one day, I returned to school from being absent for two days. I noticed him. We became one of the loveteams sa section namin. Hindi naman sa nag-assume pero he became a gentleman that is very recognizable by his actions. This happens regularly tapos lagi pa kaming magkasabay pauwi. To cut the long story short, naattach ako sa kanya. Until one day, di ko na alam. I fell for him. I thought he felt the same way.

Nagkahiwalay na kami nung college but I tried to do stupid stuffs para makasama, makausap o makita siya. Dami kong palusot para makita siya. Pinupuntahan ko siya sa school niya. Okay lang naman kasi dumadaan naman talaga ako dun on my way home. Until sa di malamang kadahilanan, hindi na kami laging nagkakachat tapos ang cold niya pang sumagot. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I tried to find someone like him sa school but all of them were a failure. No one was like him.

I invited him on my 18th birthday. It was fun. Alam mo yung feeling na, I stayed in their room just spend more time with him kasi I really missed him. Hindi na nga ako pumupunta sa room ng mga classmate ko nun eh. Like duh? One year ko siyang hindi nakita. Medyo nakakairita lang nung may kausap siya sa telepono. LIKE DUUUH!??? Nandito ako. F*ck. Within a month, I kind of feel that he has a girlfriend. Nafifeel ko. I posted an excerpt from a book. Nagcomment siya, for the first time in forever.

Him: Di ako manloloko.

Me: Feeling -___-

H: Di kaya.

M: K. -___-" Di ka naman gwapo para maging manloloko.

H: Porket may girlfriend na ako ganyan ka ka hard? :))

...

Sakit. Hindi ko na alam irereact ko jan hanggang ngayon ang sakit pa rin. Yung everytime I see something  that reminds me of him natatahimik na lang ako. Everytime I hear his name kahit na hindi naman siya yung tinutukoy, natatahimik na lang ako. Siguro nga, it hurts the most when you have regrets. Dami kong sana. Maybe it wasn't him that hurts me the most but the memories we shared. He was the first guy that the made me feel I was special (next to my father, of course).

Maybe that was the reason na kapag nafifeel ko na mahuhulog na naman ako, mas mabuti ng i-detach ko yung sarili ko. It won't hurt as much as nung naramdaman ko dati. Maybe he wasn't the right guy. Maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe it was just an infatuation and not love at all. Maybe I wasn't ready to commit to someone that will eventually leave me at some point of time. Maybe I was just  too scared to get hurt and not to fall in love. But what if I tried? Who knows what will happen? Too late to ask this kind of question. May girlfriend na siya and I can feel it he loves her so much. The end.